El Nino, lightning, and Walt Whitman

A small collection of supposedly real essays written by some fine products of our nation's education system.

Some of the wisdom contained within:

Coming in like El Nino!
by Jeremy Lavine

El Nino is... a deadly storm that kills people and burns down trees....
El Nino is caused when the Peruvian gods get angry...
The Peruvians committed human sacrifice to satiate their gods, but in today's modern dog-eat-dog work-a-day world of scientists, diplomats, McSalad Shakers, and George Bush Jr., we no longer have access to such solutions...
Instead of satiating the gods, many of these "scientists" have tried to control El Nino with "science". They put up expensive fish-attracting-bueys that run on flashlight batteries. Imagine, fighting the power of the gods with flashlight battieries! Needsless to say, this didn't work and everyone died.

Lightning!!!
by Jeremy Lavine

Benjamin Franklin was a founding father. He fatherly founded that lightning is made of electricity...
But what of... the Greek God Zeus... throwing down lightning bolts to kill people and knock down trees. Where did he find the time?
Lightning kills people and knocks down trees!!!
Some people... ignore the wisdom of... the founding father Benjamin Franklin... they ignore such
wisdom and taunt the powerful exercise of destruction and they worship their idle gods and stand near trees. At their own peril!!... There is no escape. Lightning will knock down the tree and knock down your soul.

Biography: Walt Whitman
by Peter Nguyen

Walt Whitman was an awful child molester who was born in ancient Hong Kong. He is over 3,000 years old and remembers the names of all the forgotten Gods.
Walt Whitman is 90 stories tall, and his adventures are legendary. Whith his blue Ox, Emily Dickenson, Walt Whitman traveled across young America and helped the nation grow into the angry powerhouse it is today...
Walt Whitman believed the only good China man was a dead China man, so he went to Tiananmen Square and gave them all candy. Except instead of candy he killed them...
Walt Whitman died a lonely man in Walt Disney Land. He was on the gondola ride, and he fell out becuase he wasn't fastened properly to the restraint. Thanks to his dumb ass, now none of us can ride it anymore. Thanks a lot Walt Whitman.