"That Wacky Bible!"

More absurd passages from "the holy book" in an attempt to illustrate why the bible should not be word for word.

All quotations are from the King James version, simply because I was prompted to compile these as a reaction against the people who use the bible to claim homosexuality is wrong. They generally quote Leviticus's "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination" (20:13) or "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." (18:22)The language of these passages indicate the King James Version and I find it interesting some of the other things the KJV lists as abominations (shellfish and weighted scales, among them). Other versions of the bible (including the New International Version, the best selling English language translation) replace the word abomination with detestable, but the zealots seem to prefer quoting the versions with "abomination" in them.

So here we go:

• Extreme punishment for people who work through the weekend - Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day there shall be to you an holy day, a sabbath of rest to the LORD: whosoever doeth work therein shall be put to death. (Exodus 35:2)
• Shellfish are an "abomination" - And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you. (Leviticus 11:10-12)
• Menstruating women (and everything they touch) are unclean - And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even. And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean. (Leviticus 15:19-24)
• Don't mix crops in a field, or wear clothing that's part wool, part linen - thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee. (Leviticus 19:19)
• Gays are an "abomination" - Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. (Leviticus 18:22)
• Don't shave certain parts of your facial hair - Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard (Leviticus 19:27)
• No tattoos - Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you (Leviticus 19:28)
• Gay sex is an "abomination" and all gays must die - If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. (Leviticus 20:13)
• Having sex when a woman is menstruating can get you exiled - And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people (Leviticus 20:18)
• Strict requirements for church-goers (or clergy) - Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken; (Leviticus 21:17-20)
• Rules for your bible-approved slaves - Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids. Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you, which they begat in your land: and they shall be your possession. (Leviticus 25:44-45)
• Crooked scales are an "abomination" - A false balance is abomination to the LORD: but a just weight is his delight. (Proverbs 11:1)

I'll add more to this list as I learn about them.