a random (ongoing) collection of KoL dialogue

Kingdom of Loathing is the funniest, low-tech adventure game on the web:

This is a fishtank. And by fish, I mean oxygen. Why? Simple. Fish is like oxygen, in that you can't survive without either of them, except for fish.
...
You sleep. Your Pagoda sends out groovy vibes, making your rest more restful.
You dream you're running through the basement of Cobb's Knob. You enter the boiler room and get jumped by some freaky dude in a striped sweater and jaunty f3d0r4. He's wearing a glove with five razor-sharp pasta spoons strapped to it! He slashes at you and you wake up screaming... but it was only a dream. Or ... was it?
Yeah, I guess it was.
...
You board the ship to Tropical Paradise Island, but as soon as it leaves port, a freak storm blows it off course and then sinks it. You wake up a few days later, on the shore of a deserted island. Which is also a desert island. What's conspicuously missing, however, is any dessert.
After spending a few days on the island, with no dessert, it really starts to wear on you, because you were only allowed to bring 3 CDs with you, and though you spent a LONG time choosing them, you're really getting sick of them.
Luckily, a raft soon washes ashore, and atop the raft sits a beautiful supermodel.
"Hello there," she says in a sultry voice. "Looks like you and I will be spending quite a bit of time together..."
Your heart races.
This is the moment you've been waiting for.
You cast a spell on her which puts her to sleep, steal her raft, and paddle back to the mainland. What did you think this was? Some kind of a joke?
...
After a hard day of ropin' and wranglin' at the Distant Lands Dude Ranch, you head down to the local saloon, where a hoedown is taking place.
After a few minutes of mind-numbingly repetitive dancing, you decide to take a break and order a drink. On your way to the bar, you stub your toe on a overturned spittoon, resulting in one of the most painful and nauseating events of your life. You writhe on the floor, and cry out for medical attention.
The doctor comes in, stinking of gin, and tells you that he thinks you've met your match. You tell him it's just a scratch, and you get better, as soon as you are able (as you were 'ere you saw Elba.)
...
bat guano
This is some guano from a bat. They say in some cultures, they make pottery out of this stuff.
That sounds pretty nasty to me.
...
spiced rum
This is some rum infused with spices. The stench of it reminds you of traffic, crowded stores, and fighting with your family.
Oh, I mean, the smell of it reminds you of the holidays. In a good way.
...
You duck through the unguarded back door of the Castle, and follow the map into the mess hall for the Giant Guard. As you run across one of the tables, you bounce onto a giant jell-o mold. Mould. Whatever. One of the guard giants sees you and tries to catch you in mid-air.
Thinking quickly, you jab him in the finger with your giant needle. You run on while he sucks on his finger and cries like a little girl. A really big little girl.
You flee the Guard Giant Mess Hall and round a corner into what looks like a bedroom, complete with fireplace and roaring fire. As you creep across the hearth, you hear a booming (yet shrill) "EEEEEK!" from the bed. A 1950s Housewife Giantess leaps out of bed and advances towards you with a broom...
Thinking even more quickly, you pull out your Furry Fur, lay it out in front of the fireplace, and hide under it.
"Hmm," says the Giantess. "When did I get that rug? I'll have to ask Wally, or perhaps Tha' Beave."
She quickly loses interest, and you collect your Fur and move on.
You follow the map into a room filled with dog-eared scripts, elaborate costumes, and a palpable aura of pretension. You see a Drama Giant asleep in a corner of the room. You try to tiptoe through the room but get tripped up by a pair of giant maracas. The ensuing clatter wakes the Giant, who scowls at you.
"Interloper, I challenge you to a poetry competition!"
You're no poet, and you do know it, so you pull out the Awful Poetry Journal you stole from one of the Goth Giants. Two stanzas into "The dark rain of my miasmic soul," the Drama Giant jumps out of the window (with a flourish,) and into the moat to escape the pain.
You follow the Giant's map to the highest tower and through a door marked "Sorceress' Lair."
You go through the door and see a duck sitting on a pillow. But this is no ordinary duck - when it ruffles its feathers, fractal patterns dance on its wings. You realize this is the legendary Quantum Duck.
"Have you got any nails?" It asks you.
"What?"
"Sorry, wrong scenario. *Ahem* -- " you have never heard a duck clear its throat before. But then you've never heard a duck talk before either. "-- I'm sorry, adventurer, but the Sorceress is in another castle! However, I can give you something to help you on your way."
You acquire an item: quantum egg
...
Mick's IcyVapoHotness Rub
Sweet merciful Jesus, this is the strongest-smelling muscle rub you've ever encountered. It's like a Spearmint Fairy took a crap on a candy cane, only more medicinal-smelling.
...
You're fighting a Goth Giant
This giant is dressed in only three colors: black, the color of his soul; white, the color of bone; and red, the color of sweet, sweet blood. Oh, and pink, the color of acne that comes from caking on white makeup all the time.
...
You're fighting a Possibility Giant
You are confronted by an enemy who seems to change size and shape constantly, flickering as you stare at him. You're not at all sure what he/it is. He's definitely a giant, though. No, he isn't. Yes, he is. Wait . . . Let's just say he might be.
He gets the jump on you.
He might be rain, he might be heat, but he's definitely not succeeding in hitting you.
and...
He might be frying up a stalk of wheat, but he's definitely not hitting you.
...
In the Sleazy Back Alley, you are attacked by a big creepy spider. He promises not to kill you, but you're not sure you believe him.
It gets the jump on you.
It does whatever a spider can, which includes tripping over six of its legs and falling down.
...
In the Sleazy Back Alley, you are attacked by a completely different spider than the big creepy spider that you may or may not have already been attacked by. Yikes! Step on Spider!
It gets the jump on you.
It gets all frustrated at trying to balance being a spider with a girlfriend and a career, and its webslingers quit working.
...
unwound clockwork grapefruit
This is a clockwork grapefruit that has yet to have been wound up.
Strains of the old Ludwig Van begin to play in your rassoodock as you viddy the malenky veshch.
...
You're fighting a swarthy pirate.
This is a very swarthy pirate. His swart knows no bounds. That's actually what swarthy means: full of swart. Seriously. Look it up.
...
This is a tiny metal charrrm, shaped like a skull and crossbones. A "Jolly Roger," if you will. If you won't, then it's shaped like a skull and crossbones.
...
This is the pelvis of a pirate. Alas, it no longer possesses any booty. Arrr.
...